INTRODUCTION

Hello and welcome back to the podcast. I asked my husband for an idea about what I could do some podcasts on and his suggestion was that I do an episode on how wonderful husbands were. So that got me thinking, actually, that's a great idea. I could do an episode about why

the divorce rate is so high during perimenopause and why you may not be liking your other half at this point. He wasn't so keen on that idea, but it led me to today's podcast. In the UK, divorce is most common around mid 40s. Now, is that coincidence that that is the time that many women would be struggling with perimenopause? Probably not.

Now one survey did find that 70 % of women said that menopause was negatively affecting their relationship. And of course it's not just having a husband if you're same sex couple, if you're female and female and you're both going through perimenopause then that's gonna be really tricky. There may be more understanding there but if you're both struggling with mood swings and anxiety and

energy dips and sleep issues, then that could be the recipe for disaster. However, there are many things that we can do to look at our relationship to decide is it I don't like you or is it the hormones talking.

BEFORE PERIMENOPAUSE

So thinking about before we hit perimenopause.

Now if you have a regular cycle or you had a regular cycle and you didn't have any other hormonal issues like endometriosis or polycystic ovaries and you've had a regular cycle, then you may notice how your mood changes throughout the month. Now I definitely notice this myself. I can tell that I'm

due on my period because I start to get a little bit more irritated and a little bit more emotional, start reaching for some of the sugary foods and my husband starts to annoy me a little bit more. He won't listen to this episode so don't worry. But certainly the fact that things that may not have been so irritating the rest of the month certainly start to

build up and get really annoying and just a little bit heavier and everything kind of bearing down on you and it's hard to keep the emotions in check. Now this has a lot to do with our up and down of hormones. Now if we're thinking just in a normal cycle when we're actually a week or well five to seven days is the average of our

periods, the time we're actually bleeding, our hormones are low, our estrogen and progesterone are low. We also may have some pain due to the uterus contracting, trying to kind of empty everything. We often are fatigued, we're bloated, our bowels may be affected because when the lining sheds it also produces other chemicals that then spread out and then that affects the bowels.

So generally we're just feeling a little bit rubbish and all we want to do is kind of curl up with a hot water bottle and maybe a big bar of chocolate. After our period, our estrogen levels start to rise and then our mood often becomes a little bit better. We start to get a little bit more energy and we also get a little bit more motivation.

Now the middle of our cycle is when we ovulate. So our estrogen is at its highest the egg to be released. We also get a little bit of a testosterone bump, so this can improve our mood, but it also can increase our libido and our confidence.

After ovulation, our progesterone rises and this is in preparation if we were to become pregnant. Our progesterone is our nice calming hormone. If we then aren't pregnant, both our hormones drop so our estrogen and our progesterone drop and this can trigger our low moods and what some people call PMS.

and we might be fatigued, there might be more tensions, cravings and sensitivity. Now some people have this to a higher level which is PMDD.

PMDD is a really severe form of some of the PMS symptoms and more symptoms and can really affect women. So they may be fine the rest of the time, but that week before their period, it can stop them from working. They may be having headaches, bloating.

breast tenderness, mood swings, anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, ⁓ of bouts of rage, joint pain. So some of the things that we may experience also in perimenopause, but that is like in our childbearing years, if we're having a regular cycle, then that week before is often either just more mild symptoms or it can be quite severe. Now, if we take this on to what happens at

perimenopause, you might still be having periods. So we might still be getting that cyclical pattern of when we feel better, when we feel worse, but they might become shorter cycle length, they may become longer, you may miss kind of having periods one month, they may go longer and longer without them, they may be really heavy. Sometimes we're not getting ovulation. So we're not getting our progesterone.

it's after we've ovulated and the eggs come out that we're left with the follicle that then turns into saying that produces the progesterone. So we're getting those less calming hormones and we might become more anxious. Our estrogen is declining through perimenopause but it's up and down day to day so it is very unpredictable. So some days you may be really really happy some days not and it goes up and down.

So although we might still be getting this cycle, when the cycle starts to go out of whack, then it's not that normal pattern and your hormones are up and down and they're all over the place. So this is going to be affecting your mood. It might be affecting your energy, your confidence, your patience with your other half. It will affect your sleep and it can affect your libido.

RELATIONSHIP IMPACT

But why is this related to perhaps this high rate of divorce? Because your relationship can be really affected. Now, some days you may really appreciate and love your partner, they may be doing everything right, other days they just breathe near you and you just want to scream. So

you may be thinking at that point, are we just not getting on anymore? Is it time to call it quits? But it could be down to your hormones turning the volume up on anything that may possibly be irritating you. And those up and downs, that lack of sleep, it can make everything just more difficult, it's exhausting and

It's not just about the hormones, but it could be obviously you might just not be getting on anymore. It might be that you've grown apart, which is fine, but it is really good to actually look at is it down to the perimenopause because we can do something about that. You've got to remember that it is difficult for your other half as well. Probably not quite as difficult, but if they don't understand

what's going on and you don't understand what's going on, you can't explain it to them, then they just think that you're being overreactive to things, that you're being unreasonable, whereas you're just trying to get through a day and not kill anybody. So it is difficult. Also, if you've always had a high libido and you've been

quite close on an intimate level, then your other half may find it difficult because if your libido is dropped because our testosterone decreases, and also if we're not sleeping, if we've got aches and pains, if we're anxious, we've got brain fog, then the last thing you'll want to do is be intimate with somebody. And if your partner is expecting you to be the same as you were maybe in your 20s, then it can

lead to a bit of a disconnect and it might make them feeling like they're not wanted or if they've got a high sex drive and they're not getting the companionship should we say that they need then it can be difficult for them but it is trying to explain to your partner that if you are getting symptoms like you might be getting dryness you may be having a prolapse or

other gynae issues. It might be down to the fact that you're just so exhausted and feeling terrible, you don't fancy that. But looking at other ways that you can be intimate, and it's not just about having sex. There are ways that you can reconnect with somebody. Often we spend our lives so busy we don't make the time to

go out for a date night. If you've got kids, probably don't very often go out. I know when my kids were little, we used to go out once a year for our anniversary. That was about the only time we had a date night. Now the kids are older, we can go and do lot more things without them, which is actually quite nice. You don't have all the winching of the teenagers, but it's looking at other ways that you can build that connection.

It might be all you want your partner to do is to make dinner for you one night or help tidy up or just pull their weight at home or maybe just bring you a bunch of flowers or maybe you go down the road and just holding hands.

It is about keeping that connection even if you don't have the desire to do anything else. But there are many ways that you can be intimate without it meaning sex.

DEALING WITH TENSION

If you are finding that you are having a rocky time at the minute and you're not getting on with your other half and you are in the midst of perimenopause, maybe just ask yourself, would this normally annoy me? If it would, that's fine. If you're thinking actually yesterday it wouldn't have annoyed me today, it does. Then, okay, where am I in my cycle? Have I had any sleep? What's going on with me?

rather than putting it all on them. It might be all their fault, which is fine, but it might be thinking, okay, am I reacting more than I normally would? How am I feeling in my self

it's not putting it all on you because your partner might just be unreasonable. It might be that they are doing something really annoying but sometimes we need to look at how we are reacting in that situation and is it because we are feeling rubbish in ourselves? Do we need to take a few seconds like we sometimes do with children? It's like before you react maybe count to 10 and then just think okay how do I feel now?

but it's also keeping that open communication. So rather than getting more distance to each other, maybe actually have that open conversation and say to them, look, I am struggling, I'm feeling rubbish. Showing yourself compassion and giving yourself space, but also working together to try and make some progress to improve symptoms, looking at, okay,

I am struggling and myself everything you doing is really annoying me. We want to make this work. So what can I do? Do I need to go to the doctor? Do I need to get some medication? Do I need to go and see somebody else to work on lifestyle changes? Do I need to do some hypnosis or some stress management so that I can keep myself calm? But it's educating your partner, educating yourself. So if you lack knowledge, maybe you could find out together.

maybe you could start doing things together that would help. So going for a walk out in nature or doing some kind of exercise class that is going to be beneficial for both of you. Talk, and it doesn't have to be just about menopause, but talk about anything and everything. Make sure that you are both okay. That if you need space, create space that you can have some me time so that you can work on your own health.

but also have time together. Supporting your own body. Make sure that you are prioritising your sleep, that you are getting the correct nutrition, that you are moving your body, working on your mindset. If you feel better in yourself, you will be able to connect better with other people. And check in regularly. Don't leave it weeks on end if you've had an argument or things aren't going well. Don't just think, okay.

I'm just gonna leave, I'm just not gonna talk to them. Or even if you are getting on okay, it might be on the surface, you're having those day-to-day chats like, oh, what's for dinner? Or how was your day? Actually check in properly. And like, regularly think, how are you? Are your needs being met? If not, how can we work on those things?

But remember, you are not broken and your relationship might not be broken either. There needs to be that awareness and that communication and a bit of patience on both sides because perimenopause is a hormonal roller coaster. Don't be afraid to ask for support, whether that's from each other or from professionals.

This is a chapter in your life, it is not the whole story. Don't let this chapter define the whole of your life. Hopefully that has given you some food for thought. Whether you are struggling with your relationship or whether it's all going swimmingly, just have a little check in with each other

If you're not in a relationship, but maybe you're looking for a relationship, then it's just bearing in mind how you interact with other people, how you can find support And making this journey the smoothest possible it can be.

And if you need any further support, then feel free to reach out to me and we can see how we could work together. For now, take care, check in with your partner and see how you're both feeling. Bye bye.